hello

is it me you're looking for? ah, i've been neglectful of my blog. when i first started blogging about sobriety in a crazy drunken world i forgot to take into account 2 things. 1. being sober got boring, fast... there were only so many stories i could share about my adventures in the land of lucidity (and only so many times i was willing to put myself in situations where i was stone-cold sober when everyone else was, well, not...) and 2. being sober got hard.

[no transitional statement necessary] today's blog post is going to focus on one question and answer. thursday night i had dinner with my very best friend on the entire planet and my very oldest (age of the friendship, not age of the friend) friend in the whole entire world; as usual hanging out with bff and oldest-friend was a rip roaring good time and, as usual, the conversation veered towards my favorite topic: me, more specifically, my first impression..

the backstory-ish: my best friend, bless her soul, always feels the need to adhere to rules of social-dom FOR me. those who know me know that sometimes (most times) i can be a little bit (rudely) inappropriate, blunt and, well, unapologetic. UNAPOLOGETIC. so she, in her very funcational way, always feels the need to apologize and back-track for me in social situations. cut to excerpt #1 of thursday night, an exchange with our waiter.

me: i think you were our waiter last time, are you a comedian?
w: yes, i am.
bff: are you any good?
w: i'm brilliant.
uh oh... here it comes, word vomit.
me: right... so brilliant you're waiting tables at el torito.

ouch. now, i do have to clarify, i don't ever purposely say anything with the intention of hurting people's feelings. that's definitely an effect i cause, but it's never the intention. ok ok, it's sometimes the intention, but not usually, 8.5 times out of 10 i can honestly say i don't mean to be mean... i do, however, almost always forget to think before i speak. by now you probably think i'm a bitter, lonely person with a foot permanently lodged in my mouth, but alas, i'm definitely not lacking in the land of friends (i know, i totally sound like a braggart right now, but it's important to know that i do have plenty of friends and, yes, they do like me). why are you friends with her? is often asked of my friends. they don't know why, i don't know why. do you know why you're friends with your friends, other than, well, you like them?

the first impression: my oldest-friend (who i've known since third grade, a mere 18 years) and i have been friends since elementary school; we went to the same jr. high, different high schools but saw each other at church, we ended up at the same university and continued to be friends even after graduation. it's safe to say she knows me pretty well and pretty long and it's safe to say that she knows core qualities, even the bad ones. (i'll take this opportunity to say i love her and she's my friend because she's fun, smart and receptive to me, and everybody else. i can honestly say this girl could be dropped in the middle of kentucky and fit in, not because she's a plain ole boring follower, but because this woman can adapt, recept and enjoy all walks of life). this oldest friend shared with me a perspective about, well, me, that i wasn't (too) aware of: i don't make a good first impression.

me: what was your first impression of me?
w: honestly? you're mean.

i'm not mean, i'm misunderstood. most people figure that the way their thoughts formulate isn't the way they should be expressed. on some level i understand that but i don't bother to actually adhere to the rule. i think it's meaner to lead someone on, for example, by agreeing to go on a lunch-date knowing full well i don't ever intend on actually lunching with them, than to just say no in response to, "let's do lunch this weekend."  i think it's ridiculous not to ask a question of someone because it might make them uncomfortable for a split-second or two and instead assume an answer to a never asked question.

in short, honesty is the best policy but, as i've been told, it's all in the delivery ["just spit it out"].

i wish i were drunk right now

juuuuuuuuuust kidding. i definitely don't wish i were drunk right now, but it got your attention, didn't it?

friday, saturday and sunday all contained the thought, "oh i really wish i were drunk right now." well, friday not so much, and, well, neither did sunday, but that statement doesn't have as much of an effect if i said it only came up 1/3 of the weekend and not 3/3 (that means 1, for you non mathletes) of the weekend. i can definitely say that this was the first real test of my will... but i can proudly say that my will to drink is not nearly as strong as my stubborn willpower to remain sober. "if you don't drink by december, you're fired." i love the support i get at work, it's really quite heartwarming. but i joke, work outings are definitely always a great time, drunk or not. ah, who am i kidding, i would have no idea if they're always a good time drunk or not because friday was my first ever sober night out with the crew. and hey, i had another first: i actually said (and meant), "please don't drive anywhere tonight, if any of you need a ride call me, i'll come get you" as i was leaving. but the best part? on saturday i didn't wake up wondering what ridiculously embarrassing and inappropriate things i said/did to, with and in front of my job's executives.

saturday was different, not at all a proudly sober moment. the amount of times i wished, thought, said, proclaimed, spoke, declared, contemplated (and all their synonyms), "i wish i were drinking tonight" were innumerable and definitely made up for not once thinking that on friday. i know i've said it before (and i'll say it again), drunk people are annoying - but wasted people are obnoxious. maybe i'm being too critical and judging too harshly because, yes, there were moments where their hilarious antics did make me laugh. but the amount of times i rolled my eyes due to the mixture of stone-cold sobriety i was experiencing and the very-irritating-drunks definitely outnumbered the amount of times those drunks entertained me. what i did enjoy about saturday night? that, when the irritations weren't a factor, i had a great time. "and she's completely sober!" was nice to hear after, when "3" came on, i (very excitedly) announced (more like squealed), "OMG I LOVE BRITNEY SPEARS" and started dancing in my chair (and if you don't know that "3" is a britney spears song then i feel bad for you, even if you probably, simultaneously, feel bad for me for knowing, and loving, that song). i took it as an affirmation that, yes, even sober i can be fun. and the ironically funny moment of the night? when my very (very very very very very) drunk boyfriend said to me, "i'm so proud of you for not drinking."

today (sunday) wasn't a "drunk people are annoying" kind of day, it was a "good times with family" kind of day and almost everyone (of age, of course) enjoyed a glass of wine or can/bottle of beer. today was definitely the kind of drinking i hope to do when my year of stone-cold sobriety is over: casual drinking. many people have asked me why cold-turkey, why quit drinking, why not drinking in moderation? but, well, you see, my methods are my own and only i know why i am going from 60-0 in 2.5. i want to do this my way, i want to do this cold-turkey because i want to show (myself) that i do have the willpower to say no to that very appealing, very aromatic, very tempting glass of stella rosa. even if the way i was longingly staring at the glass i (very) reluctantly handed to my right was a little bit creepy.

and to all that had me drinking at three weeks: you lose.

one busy bee that isn't buzzing

one very busy dining week this one has been. this week consisted of two dinners with friends i haven't seen in a long time and one lunch with a friend i haven't seen in what feels like a long time. what i've enjoyed most about dining out (aside from the good company and the catching up with good/old friends) is seeing how people act/react around me.

on tuesday night everyone followed suit on drinking water with me (after all, if i'm going to pay for a drink at a restaurant it better be alcoholic, so water it is for me). it's nice that (purposely or not) some of my friends are being supportive by having what i have. of course, it was nice on wednesday when my friend suggested we go to dinner where "the happy hour is good" because, for the first time, someone wasn't treating me like a recovering alcoholic and acting wary of taking me where th booze is plentiful.

truth be told, though, this is turning to be a lot easier than i thought it would be. i was hoping that by now i'd have almost given in forcing a strict self-lecture and some private internal turmoil followed by an "i can do it" speech i'd whisper to myself while staring at my reflection in a bathroom. i was hoping for some dramatic music playing in the background and montage of the social damage i've done running through my head, but alas, my pinch for drama is missing in this venture. but there is one thing i wasn't counting on that DID happen...

why is everyone GENUINELY treating this as if though i was a self-control-lacking drink-a-maniac before i decided to quit for a year? no, i'm not in a 12 step program, this was a voluntary decision for my own health/benefit (and just to see if i can do it). yes, maybe i drink a teeny weeny bit more than the average 26 year old woman, but i'm not raging, or even a functioning, alcoholic. (obviously wouldn't be able to quit cold turkey and all by myself) if i were one. thanks friends, for the words of encouragement, but it does make me feel kind of self-controll-less when i get "you can do it!" after posting an "i need a drink" status.

no, i'm not going to cave and have that drink if 100 you don't rally in my favor, yes, i did have an "i need a drink moment" but last time i checked so do a lot of very healthy, very active, very NON alcoholic people every day and they don't cave 100% of the time. maybe my nameless friend Ingrid (haha, get it, cuz i called her nameless first and then said her name) is right, maybe this blog is making me seem like i crave/year/feen for the juice a lot more than i did before this and maybe it't my fault.  this "take it one day at a time" portrayal does make me seem like i might crack at any minute, but i promise, no need to keep me under surveillance. did you all forget that one time in 2009 when i successfully gave up alcohol for lent?

so thank you, friends who fearlessly take me lunching at brewco, or suggest a place with "great happy hour specials" for dinner because you're not letting my choice dictate your beverage; and thank you, friends who make it a habit to say to the waiter, "i'll also just have water" and ignore that i can't seem to remember the difference between a lemon and a lime when i ask for water with "lime, or lemon, mmm whatever the yellow one is" at dinner.

#2: driving home unwary of police

this weekend was a shining example of "you don't need to drink to have fun." i had a great night out with some good people to celebrate canada's birthday. proudly drove home fear-free, cuz no DUI for me! i even looked over, smiled and did the quick shake-wave at a cop on one of my night-time drives home this weekend. pat on the back for me. and when i got home was sober enough to remember that i want to record "the orphan" on tuesday and set my DVR (whoa, that's right, i remembered something at the end of the night) and woke up wide-eyed and bushy tailed and ready for an afternoon bike-ride with a great friend to finish off a wonderful weekend.

by this point i was kind of hoping that i'd have some really good stories of other people's drunken stupidity but it seems as though i'm the only drunken idiot in my many circles... and if i'm not i haven't made it around to the group where my drunken-idiot friends take refuge. next weekend a new group, let's hope i have some fun stories to share that involve other people's embarrassment, after all, where's the fun in being the sober-sister if you can't tell anybody about the time your friend locked herself in a bathroom stall and passed out (fingers crossed that my bff does this again sometime soon and that i'm 100% sober in this version).

the bike-ride

"can i take liz to brewco?" ah... the eternal question, can i bring liz around beer, wine and alcohol? it amazes me that all of a sudden people are wary of where to go with me. people, i have will power, feel free to have a beer or two (or seven) around me... believe me, i will not be tempted. well... i may be tempted (and by may i mean i will be) but i can say no. if there's one negative trait of mine that will finally work in my favor it's that i' stubborn and stubborn gets me through the outings. so next time someone says to you, "you can't take liz to brewco" say what my friend said, "why not? she's not a recovering crack addict and i'm not taking her to a crack-house, she's just not drinking."

but to be completely honest, i love the awkward look on people's faces when they say things to me like, "the cheese-cake factory has a great mojito!" it's ok, you can still talk about alcohol to me, i won't salivate uncontrollably or start convulsing and drop to the ground yearning for a sip.

what i don't love? that i've replaced drinking with another terrible terrible thing: the cookie monster, mmmmmm.

oh and about the bike ride? it was great and thank goodness i did it sober. swerving to the left and right could have been fatal in the manhattan/hermosa/redondo beach strand traffic. (now if only my math skills hadn't failed me; i had to turn the check over to my mimosa-chugging friend because my mind blanked on my portion of the bill.)

my new favorite drink(s):

so, who had me drinking at two weeks? you lose.

my legs didn't fall off because i'm sober

today i asked my brother from another mother what the plan was for tonight... his response? "oh wait you still on your not drinking thing?" why yes, yes i am still on my year long not drinking thing, but why does that matter?  it's like no drinking = no fun. it's ok, fine, whatever, think what you want, you just lost your free DD.

show of hands, how many people think i can do this and are being supportive? *cricket cricket* since when is giving up drinking a bad thing? i just don't understand why this seems to be the end of fun as we know it around me for everyone, or why everyone is trying so hard to convince me to drink, or placing bets on when i'll give in. i can do this, i believe in me!

i mean, i guess i can see why no one wants to be out with me sober, i tend to t-rex dance in public when i'm not inebriated (probably because i don't have the coordination to do it drunk). and not slurring when i speak? who wants to be around that? i guess i'm less fun when i'm not falling, spraining my ankle or tripping on nothing. and when i get angry for no reason and throw a hissy-fit under the influence, best time ever! and my refusal to give up my car keys because, "i drive more carefully when i'm drunk cuz i'm more concerned about being safe" makes complete and utter sense.

ok, so i'm obviously exaggerating (at least i hope it's obvious) and i'm not ALWAYS the worst drunk on the planet. but if my not drinking guarantees 0% of the bad behavior with 85% of the fun why not take it? so there's only a 15% chance i'll be the most irritating person you've ever been around while intoxicated... isn't 0% better? ok ok, so maybe there's still a 5% chance i'll irritate you sober (and by 5% i mean more like 8%) but isn't it nice to know there's at least a 92% chance i'll be fun and a 99.999999% chance i'll get you home safely and DUI free?

remind me again why most of you are upset that i quit?

quote of the night (after i asked for a 2nd glass of water at dinner tonight): "oh, you were serious about not drinking?"

easier done than said?

it's really easy to say something like, "i'm going to quit drinking for a year" and manage to stay sober for a few days, even weeks, so long as there's no alcohol present. the real test is temptation. the real test is when inebriation walks up to you, stares you in the eye and says, "join me." i've done a good job, until now, of refraining from drinking at times i would normally say, "yes please" to a nice, soothing, loving, comforting glass of wine, during dinner, with friends, at work... but coming home to a house full of mexicans, that's a horse of a very different, neon, glowing color. enter temptation.

i turned the corner on my street ready to battle for some parking, street-sweeping eve and all. naturally i was distracted by my search for a good spot, sure, there were more cars on my street than usual, but it happens sometimes. found a spot, parked, slightly angled as always, and walked to my house. hello family, hello extended family, hello family of extended family, but more importantly, hello tequila.

how do you explain to a bunch of people who've never seen you turn down a drink that you don't what they're having? you don't. you say some quick hellos, make some witty comments, laugh at someone's expense and head inside before anyone gets a chance to say, "go get her a beer" or "bring another glass for some tequila" and small talk with the women-folk in the kitchen. odd, i very rarely find myself doing this...

now that i managed to get away how was i gonna keep the men with liquor away? ha! now this part i'm good at. by complaining! about everything! and wouldn't you know it, my mom, aunts and cousins were all too eager to be an open ear. now that i managed to accomplish mission impossible sobriety there's gotta be a "sober" lesson here? there wasn't, but there was a sober reality. DRUNK PEOPLE ARE ANNOYING.

oh my goodness, am (was) i like that? goodness if i'm argumentative, combative, opinionated, quarrelsome and litigious sober i can only imagine how disagreeable and antagonistic drunk me is (was). now i'm sure that this isn't ALWAYS the case, i have to have been fun some times, maybe even most times. ah, but this little taste of drunken word wars was enough to make me run and hide (and shut the door behind me). now i can remember a few times when i was the designated driver and was extremely irritated by my drunk counterparts, for maybe five, seven, eleven minutes, but listening to 2 grown men adamantly argue speeding laws makes me want to say: friends, i'm sorry if you've ever been on the receiving end of a drunken tirade about something i probably know nothing about.

i'm wondering, do i really want to put myself through this again? sorry best friend, i have to wash my hair next saturday and i won't be able to make it to your birthday, at a bar. catch you next year!

cuz waking up is hard to do...

they say that waking up is hard to do, not anymore. not for me! the non-hungover people of america don't seem to appreciate how wonderful it is to wake up headache and thirst free. oh but i do, now.

one of the first things i noticed about being ten days sober is how easily i get up in the mornings; no dizziness, no wooziness, no mad dash for the kitchen stumbling and crashing into most anything on my way to any liquid i can find. and apparently i wake up in a better mood too, but that's just hearsay. when i open my eyes the sun is shining, the birds are singing, chipmunks are setting out my clothes for the day (don't i wish!) and boy i just can't wait to get to work! ok, who am i kidding, i can wait to get to work, being sober doesn't change the fact that i'd still rather get paid to lay in bed and watch tv a couple more hours, then maybe stroll over to the kitchen to make some fabulous breakfast and spend my day lounging; but it does change how quickly i get up and on with my day.

now, back when i enjoyed drinking i didn't drink EVERY single day, but there were definitely lasting hangovers, the lingering headaches and sense of 'dryness' didn't ever go away right away, probably because there was always a constant trace of alcohol in my blood stream. lately i've noticed that i don't have lingering headaches that last for days and i can only assume that it has something to do with drinking less toxicity and more purity.

my mood? yeah, people say it's better. i don't think it has anything to do with this sobriety thing, but it might, i'll just have to take notice and keep you all updated!

and me? i'm just happy that i've had two and a half weeks worth of driving to work not thinking, "man, i could totally get a DUI on my way in from last night's drinking..." and not having to answer "i think i'm still drunk" when the CFO asks me how i'm doing.